| Necco Wafers |
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| 07:41am 16/01/2006 |
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mood:  reinvigorated music: The criminal cried, as he dropped him down (From The Mikado)
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I have just come back from several weeks dead as part of an out of court settlement with the Ministry over the matter of my age, and I must say, I heartily recommend a week or two deceased to anyone. (With the exception of Harry, of course.) I find myself feeling more relaxed and less stressed than I have for as long as I can remember, and feel years younger. I am most eager to resume my duties, in administering Hogwarts as well as in making Tom and his followers cry like the little crybabies which they happen to be. Furthermore, the Ministry has officially exonerated me from all wrong-doing in regards to the matter of lying about my age, and I hope now we may all put that terrible chapter of my life behind us. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Sour Patch Kids: an instructive tale |
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| 09:48pm 26/07/2005 |
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music: James Netley - Back To The Garden
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Miss Weasley, I am heartened to hear that you are finding your enterprise to be an alternative to evil, but this does not constitute a reason to give your brothers unprecedented access to the Hogwarts market. I am also very glad to hear that you and your brothers plan to devote your minds and efforts in Order to better Britain, but if you would allow me to regale you with a tale, it may prove instructive. I wish to recount to you a true story about a close personal friend of mine.
Before he made my acquaintance, Hoppity Bunnikins lived in a forest by the farm of a squib by the name of Farmer Pester. Farmer Pester grew the most delicious peas, beets, lettuce and ambulatory carrots, which were particularly en vogue at the turn of the century. But one year a gang of Pester's carrots went bad and started abusing the other carrots, as well as the peas and lettuce. They resisted Farmer Pester's attempts to seperate them by pelting him with tomatoes and attacking him with weapons they had fashioned from materials around the farm. One morning the words "DIE ÜBERKAROTTEN" appeared in lettuce leaves in the middle of the garden. Farmer Pester had inherited the farm from his father, a first generation wizard who lived far from the nearest wizarding farm, and it would be weeks before a Carrotmancer could arrive to calm down the Carrots, and if there was not a solution before then, he might have lost a third or more of his crop. It was on the third morning of this strife that Hoppity Bunnikins came to see Farmer Pester with a deal.
Now, Hoppity Bunnikins was a very clever rabbit who could scheme schemes no other rabbit had schemed and whose performance of the Pirate King in the 1910 Hogsmeade production of Pirates of Penzance is far and above the greatest I have ever witnessed. Hoppity Bunnikins was unlike other rabbits in other ways as well: he had a shrewd business acumen and he could talk. Well. He could also do the most hilarious extemporaneous lectures on any topic you could introduce, but that is a different story. However, like other rabbits he bore a decided affinity to breeding; we used to say that there was not a member of the family Leporidae that had not evolved from Hoppity Bunnikins. So it was that he had observed Farmer Pesker's problems for a couple of days and had schemed up a plan to feed not only himself but his prodigious family as well.
So Hoppity Bunnikin came to Farmer Pesker with a proposition. "You have a problem with ambulatory carrots, Farmer Pesker, and there is no one who is better at eliminating carrots than my children and I. Open your warded fence so that we can come in, and we will subdue your carrots for you," he said, after assuring Farmer Pesker that yes, he could talk, and that Pesker had not been driven mad.
But Farmer Pesker knew better than to let a rabbit into his garden just like that. "You think just because I cannot subdue these carrots that I am a fool?" replied Farmer Pesker. "I was not born yesterday, nor am I negroid, I will not be jewed into such a terrible mistake for nothing. Why should I let you in to eat my whole crop and ruin me?"
"But Farmer Pesker," protested Hoppity Bunnikins, "I am an honorable rabbit. If ever thou hast believed, believe me now when I say that if you let us in, your crop will be saved, except the traitor carrots which we will take away with us."
Farmer Pesker, moved by Hoppity's powerful oration, said, "Okay, Mister Bunnikins, you may come in, but none of your children. Though I am sure you possess the cognative capacity to attack the right carrots, I have seen your children playing beyond my fence, and they are the most feeble-minded lot I have seen outside of Ireland."
"But I alone cannot face this many carrots!" exclaimed Hoppity Bunnikins. "Surely they would poke me with sticks and their pointy ends until I died, were I not to have a small army of my family alongside me."
"Very well, Hoppity Bunnikins, I will let you, and several members of your family, inside my warded gates on one condition. In an hour, I will throw two of the good carrots I have saved outside my fence, one with ink on two of its green leaves on top and one without, and you and all the members of your family you wish to bring inside my fence must eat only the one with ink on it, but not touch the other one."
This, Hoppity knew, was a receipe for disaster. For while he and one or two of his sons had self control, and while he could control several members of his family at a time, he could not convince all of them, some who were starving, not to eat the other carrot. But Hoppity had a plan. He agreed to this task, and as soon as he was out of sight, he called for two of his sons and bounded over to a special spot in the woods he knew of, there they found a small but sharp knife.
Hoppity and his sons wrapped the knife in a rope fashioned out of the entrails of one of Hoppity's less fortunate children and dragged the knife over to Farmer Pesker's garden when Pesker was inside the house, and pushed the knife through a gap in the wood of the fence near the trouble-making carrots. The wards allowed metal through them, even though it stopped rabbits and carrots, you see.
Then Hoppity ran along to where Farmer Pesker was, and shouted, saying, "Farmer Pesker! Behind you! The carrots have a knife!" And sure enough, three carrots were advancing on Farmer Pesker with a knife, clearly out for blood or sap. Farmer Pesker had been washing his windows, and did not have anything to defend himself with, so Hoppity cried, "Quick! Open the gate so that my family and I can save you! Though some of us may die, we will not flinch from a fight nor allow evil carrots to triumph over good men. Do not worry about your crops, I am certain that when we get inside, my family will work hard to remember to eat only those carrots made of evil."
So Farmer Pesker, who had been so shocked by the sight of a carrot weilding a knife that he did not stop to properly consider that it did not actually pose a threat to his life, opened his gate.
Hoppity and his family came bursting through, and quickly subdued the knife-wielding carrot and his compatriots. Years later, Hoppity swore up and down that it was while singleleggedly defeating the one with the knife that he sustained the permanent scar on his left hind leg. In fact, however, he did not acquire this scar until after, when he stumbled while attempting to dance on the lower half of the carrot's dead body and eat the top half -- as I found out one night over copious amounts amounts of alcohol. But I digress. After defeating the carrots, and with their patriarch yelping in pain, the Bunnikins family spread out and ate not only the rest of the rebel carrots, but all the other carrots, peas and lettuce Farmer Pesker had. When they had cleared out, all that was left for Farmer Pesker were the beets and a dead rabbit who had been fatally staked by the rebel carrot leader in the battle.
After all the rest of the Bunnikins had gone away to saftey, Hoppity limped back to take one last look at Farmer Pesker, who had been stuck, shocked, to where he stood during the ravishment of his land.
"Well," said Hoppity Bunnikins to Farmer Pesker, "I think most of them got the hang of it toward the end there."
The moral of this story, Hoppity claimed when he told it to me, was that the best way to make someone do what you want is to toss some philosophy and a knife to those he oppresses and wait.
However, I disagree. I believe the moral of the story is not to let the rabbit promise that he will do something later. Particularly Hoppity Bunnikins: if you did not have cash up front, it would not be worth it to sell him anything. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Twizzlers (Red, not Black) |
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| 01:13pm 31/05/2005 |
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mood:  melancholy music: When You Had Left Our Pirate Fold (The Paradox Song)
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I am afraid I have a confession to make. I am not, in fact, 156 years old. I did not, as I have told those with too much time on their hands and a copy of the Hogwarts enrollment records from the 1850s, enter Hogwarts a year late because I was trapped in a pocket dimension by my brother Aberforth for five months after we had a fight over his inappropriate comments about Queen Victoria. In truth, I am only 155, and disguised my age in order to get the Centurian price on a Quidditch ticket back in 1941, and have been living a lie ever after. I know now that the deception, and all the pain it brings with it, were not worth the two sickles I saved, even with inflation, and I deeply regret any confusion I may have caused. |
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Read 47 - Post |
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| I like Licorice |
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| 04:44am 23/01/2005 |
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Hi, I am Alby, the note attached to this thing told me to write about my day.
Today as a pretty good Quidditch match. Not the best I have ever seen. Once I saw Anthony Pinkerton lead the Chudley Cannons to a 410 to 400 victory over the Manchester Mudbloods for the League Cup championship. In it Amory the Dandy had to put in a quaffle before Pinkerton caught the snitch so Pinkerton did this move where he did this thing with his broom and slowed down both seekers so Amory would have time. That was better. And there were less made up fouls called. Stooging, what is that? But I like the hoops instead of baskets it is so modern.
I do not know how I got here, I just woke up here, I am not supposed to go to Hogwarts until next year and I do not think the girls uniforms are supposed to be so revealing, but it is alright I told people I was a first year transfer from Gobblepot and they buyed it, heh. I sat at the Quidditch match with some Slytherins, Sarah, Lucas, Sheri, Dan, they were good so I said the Headmaster put me in Slytherin. He does not like Slytherin and has the same first name as I do, Alby. So I am staying on the floor in Lucas's room until another bed can be put in. I wanted to stay with the girls but prefect Perdita Nitt said no. Sarah Boot is cute, I think I should like to court her one day, I was thinking about starting tomorrow. After the match, some Ravenclaws came over and made fun of our seeker and thanked Sarah saying something about her brother and the happy, I think Sarah was impressed when I hexed them and their hair turned to worms and wriggled down their robes and they ran away screaming. Perhaps I shall kiss her tomorrow. |
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Read 14 - Post |
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| Hostess Fruit-Pies |
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| 08:30pm 31/10/2004 |
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I do love Halloween. The sweets, the costumes and the atmosphere of moral ambiguity are all quite enjoyable. After much deliberation, I have opted to take a break from my usual Salieri costume:
Instead, I have opted to wear this dashing ensemble, patterned after a muggle picture book character:
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Read 1 - Post |
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| Rock Candy |
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| 11:30pm 24/09/2004 |
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music: Wagner - The Ride Of The Valkyries
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There are some who feel like that, you know, the conditions are such that they can attack and destroy the Sorting Hat. My answer is bring them on. The Sorting Hat and I have the force necessary to deal with the security situation. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| 01:06am 21/08/2004 |
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I have just arrived back at Hogwarts from a quick errand I had to take to the former Burrow, current Ghetto. There is a most impressive young dame there, with the most impressive Nancy. I fear I must take a bath now. |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| Marathon Bars |
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| 01:05am 14/08/2004 |
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mood:  curious music: Gilbert & Sullivan - Behold The Lord High Executioner!
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It appears the Eiffel Tower remains missing. Corenelius and I have issued a press release entitled 'He Who Must Not Be Named and Death Eaters to France: "Va te faire foutre"'. The French Ministry is currently in talks to assist in providing resources to track down the Death Eaters who took the Eiffel Tower and return it to its rightful place.
Between the Eiffel Tower, the treaty with the French and my bath, I have had but little time to attend to the matter of the Veil. I have but recently had time to move the Veil from the entry hall to Former Headmaster Dippet's private Pilates room, and am only now beginning research on the Veil. Thus far I have thrown Sirius a muffin and the end of a rope, to which the following notice is attached:
Sirius - Grab rope and give two tugs
Various and sundry demonic forces beyond the Veil - Please leave alone
Thus far, the research has been uneventful. I am considering visiting Harry, as I am sure that spending so much time in the company of Minerva is more than a little distressing. |
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Read 8 - Post |
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| Strawberry Zotz |
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| 05:06am 31/07/2004 |
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mood: pleased music: Gilbert & Sullivan - Here's A How-De-Do
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I am quite pleased to see that the laptops are working out so well, after but a week. Alas, the International Confederation of Wizards has called a meeting next week. I fear we will have much to discuss, given the sorry state of the muggle world and the magical nature of the affliction.
Harry, do try the cigarettes I have sent for your birthday, I am certain you will find them most relieving. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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albuspresley's journal